There are some questions I’ve lived with for as long as I can remember. Why am I here? What’s my purpose? For a long time, I searched and searched for signs. I felt disconnected from the world. I was on a frantic, worried search, and felt that surely, there would be a seismic shift in my life and I’d suddenly know what I was meant to be doing. I felt like it would be obvious. One day I saw a sign that read: “If you’re looking for a sign, this is it.” The sign was the answer, in that the sign was a cosmic joke.
There are likely many reasons why I am here on this earth at this time, and I have come to a place of being ok with not knowing. With meditation, I’ve created a lot of spaciousness between my fears and my striving need for answers. The unfolding of my life to this point has taught me that answers emerge. I have become much less interested in WHY and more interested in WHAT I should be doing on a day to day basis to be a decent human being and to help others.
This fall, I was really taken with The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda. In what I can only assume is the most quoted part of the book, Don Juan, a mystic and shaman, tells his student Castaneda:
“Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question. This question is one that only a very old man asks. My benefactor told me about it once when I was young, and my blood was too vigorous for me to understand it. Now I do understand it. I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart?”
This question - Does this path have a heart? - helps to clarify what is important. Does today have a heart? How am I spending my time, am I in relationships I value, am I being a good person and showing up for others? I am trying to let the answers come from this place.